Entitlement
One of the most important tasks for adoptive parents is developing the feeling that the child really belongs to them. This feeling is often referred to as entitlement. In the book, You're Our Child: The Adoption Experience, by Smith & Miroff, this idea is explored.

Years ago, families did not always discuss adoption openly. Illegitimacy was a stigma and often infertility problems were not acknowledged publicly. In today's world, people do share readily with their adopted children and this openness has benefited the adoptive relationship. Other differences are apparent. Adoptive parents must show their fitness to become parents. They also need intermediaries (agencies, lawyers, doctors) to become parents. They are faced with uncertainties about whether they will actually get a child and then whether the child will legally be theirs after a period of time. For birth parents, the time frame for baby's arrival is pretty certain and predictable.

Society also presents some challenges that adoptive parents have to meet before they feel like "real parents". Smith & Miroff go on to say that adoptive parents and children have to answer the question whether the real parents are the biological ones or the ones who give the child nurturance and love. If the adoptive parents have resolved this issue, the child will too (and visa versa). Society will continue to ask questions such as, "Are the girls really sisters?". Those who feel the true sense of belonging and accept the differences in adoption are not as put off by insensitive remarks. Entitlement and the resulting sense that the child is unconditionally one's own is very important. Without it problems can arise. Parents may have difficulties disciplining their children, not sure if they are entitled to. There can be difficulties allowing the child independence or discussing adoption. it can cause feelings of guilt. When asked if they feel the adopted child is their own, most adoptive parents readily answer "yes". But by observing actions, an underlying or unconscious struggle may be visible. Parents may become defensive when others compare their appearances to their children's. Some struggle to insist the child looks like them, even when they are of a different race. Anxious feelings may arise when discussions of adoption occur. These kinds of things may mean the family needs to re-examine their feelings and views. Sometimes professional help is needed. Smith & Miroff see some small tasks as important to the bigger accomplishment of entitlement. One is to recognize the differences between the two types of parenthood. Acknowledgement of differences can result in better communication between parent and child. A second task is to recognize and accept the feelings that come with infertility. Couples need to see their personal competence as unrelated to their ability to conceive. An additional challenge is to handle all the questions that come to them about the child's adoptive status and dealing with society's view that biological parenthood is better than adoptive parenthood. For some couples, an extra task is to deal with "feelings of guilt and sadness regarding the birth mother's anguish at releasing her child." The joy of becoming parents can sometimes be watered down by knowing their happiness is at the birth mother's expense. The authors feel there is much evidence to suggest that unresolved feelings of anger, disappointment, or guilt over infertility can affect family life. The ability of the parents to accept infertility has an impact on the acceptance of the adopted child. Smith & Miroff emphasis that infertility is not the critical factor, but the resulting feelings and their resolution are.

The joys of parenthood can be experienced as fully by adoptive parents as by biological parents, say the authors, provided they have developed this important sense of entitlement to their child.

Adoption Advisory Committee
We need your opinions!! The Adoption Resource Center Advisory Committee needs your input and suggestions. Please come to any of our meetings, held at the offices of Family Service & Children's Aid. Call 517.787.7920 for dates and times.

Supporting Adoption
Are you interested in talking with others that share your experience? The Adoption Resource Center wants to support all members of the adoption circle...adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents. Our first support group, for adult adoptees, began this Spring and other kinds of support groups will follow. We are also looking for mentors, particularly adoptive parents, willing to team with another family and provide support, guidance, or a listening ear. If you are interested, please call.

Adult Adoptees Support Group
We began the Spring of 2001 with the start of an adult adoptee support group. This support group is free, and open to any adult adoptee (age 18 or older) regardless of their age at the time of adoption or any other factor. Meetings are held at our main office, 330 W. Jackson Avenue, just west of downtown Jackson between First St. and Blackstone. For more information, please call 517. 787.7920.

Scholarships Available
The Jackson County Community Foundation has a number of scholarships available for students who are residents of Jackson County. Information regarding the scholarships can be obtained from The Jackson County Community Foundation, 230 W. Michigan Avenue, Jackson, Michigan 49201. Call 517.787.1321 or email info@jacksoncf.org

Volunteers
The Adoption Resource Center is looking for volunteers to help with mailings, organizing & cataloging library materials, distributing materials in the community, and other tasks. Whatever works with your schedule would be great for us. If you are interested in becoming a volunteer, please call (517) 787-7920, email us at adoption@strong-families.org or use our online Volunteer form.

Compiled quarterly by:
The Adoption Resource Center of Family Service & Children's Aid

Direct inquiries, letters and editorials to:
330 W. Michigan Avenue, P.O. Box 6128 Jackson, MI 49204-6128

Call: 517.787.7920
Fax: 517.787.2440  adoption@strong-families.org

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